Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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