There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
