you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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