someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In other news, I just burned my penis
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