If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
