my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
