Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
