Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
