fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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