It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
