Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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