I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
