At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
