Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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