I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize