The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
