forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
