If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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