just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
