you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
