I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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