I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
