There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
