I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
