went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
