i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
