nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
