I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
