i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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