I love watching others lives come down to our level.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
