It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize