i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
