you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize