Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Never joke about your clitoris.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
