I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize