Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
