Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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