I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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