I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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