I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
