I want to have your abortion
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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