The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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