He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
