I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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