Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
