just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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