totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
