I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
