I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
