saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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