What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
