there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
