well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
