btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
