how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
