So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
