omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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