So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
