The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
