Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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