I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
