I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
