ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize