If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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