apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
