if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize